Seriously Puke Advice on Church Planting

Thursday is for Discipleship

pumpkin pukeSaw this on a LinkedIn post and was about to puke when I came to the conclusion that it had to be a spoof. It had to be a joke. It had to be? It couldn’t be serious? It had to be a comedy sketch, right? Clearly this was satire, wasn’t it? I’m still not sure. But I hope it was a joke. What I can tell you is that …

YOU   WILL  NEVER  GET  THAT  KIND  OF  GARBAGE  FROM  ME  OR  THIS WEBSITE!!!  But it is exactly the kind of advice you would get from those who have mistaken the American Dream for the will of God and the Kingdom of God. So here it is. Everything that is indented from the left is NOT my counsel! Everything below in the color green is NOT me writing.

How to Plant a Successful Church in America. 3 Simple Steps

1) Choose location wisely. You will never be able to build impressive facilities, host desirable programs, or boost your payrolls by locating in or near low income, or inner city areas. Go out to the fringes, where the demographics are most desirable, which will both enhance the image of the church with attractive, affluent congregants, and boost the offerings, as 10% of 6 figure incomes add up a lot faster than 10% of a part time retail worker, or someone on welfare.

2) Choose leadership staff wisely. The younger and more attractive your up front leadership is, the cooler your church will seem. Especially the worship leader. Spiritual maturity, life experience shouldn’t matter. What matters is that your worship leader shows a young, current, hip look and presence. Hence, it will be more likely to attract younger, cooler, more attractive members.

3) Choose sermon subjects wisely. Keep sermons/teachings light, friendly, and topical. No one wants to hear about sacrifice, repentance, suffering, discipleship, losing their life, or taking up their crosses. Today’s church goer wants culturally current teachings. Like how to have a better marriage, more satisfying career, better behaved kids, and better finances.

To sum it up, Relevance is King. Reverence is Passe. God is our buddy, our blesser, our personal assistant. Not the Holy, Mighty, Lord Most High, who created the Heavens and the Earth.

Today’s church plant in America MUST present God in a user/consumer friendly fashion. “

Questions: So, what about you? Is this the kind of advice you have been following? Is this the mindset that you are saturated with? If it is, let me give you two pieces of advice.

  1. Repent!
  2. If you won’t repent, get out of the ministry, because we don’t need you and your Christ-less, Cross-less “Churches” no matter how big and rich and human-powered they are.

Update: Confirmed, it was a spoof but it is too close to some of what I have actually read and heard from some.

2 thoughts on “Seriously Puke Advice on Church Planting

  1. Marty,

    Great message today.

    Two questions. How do I get my password to read yesterdays post?

    Any update on possibly visiting in January. I have a session/elder meeting tomorrow.



    1. I will release the post on Thursday. The only weekend that will work will be the 13th. We will come if you ask after your session meeting. Hopefully we can visit before and after but I need to be back in Watseka by Thursday the 17th. Looking forw!


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